Capítulo 3. PERPETRADOR

 

SECTION 2:

INTO THE DEPTHS

CHAPTER 3

AGREEING TO BE THE PERPETRATOR

Souls have free will. We agree to incarnate on earth with all that entails. We may become lost, confused, victimized, or villainous. But we make our decision without realizing how deeply immersive our experiences on earth shall be. This ignorance is a major attraction of this dense planet. Coming here is an adventure. Just as some of us want to try all the games and rides at a theme park, including the scary ones, some souls want to try all the experiences earth offers.

We do not play perpetrator roles without our agreement. We might be chosen rather than volunteering, but our agreement is still needed. To fully experience the earth, we need to know what it is like to be cut off from Source and go it alone. We plan experiences that lure us down this track of isolation. Anyone venturing into unknown territory all alone will build courage and inner strength. This is a process of individuation and part of the earth curriculum.

Ultimately, at the highest levels of understanding, no actions are good or bad. They are seen just as experiences. But that doesn’t feel true to us here on earth. Although a few people glorify war and cruelty, most of us do not. We abhor it, desiring peace, love, acceptance, and respect. But have you noticed the dilemma in the previous statement? Hating the actions of the haters puts us all in the same negative category. How can we reconcile this contradiction?

We need boundaries on earth. We want our freedom, but we also want to be protected. We have laws, rules, and customs. When we break the law, we are rightly punished. When we disrespect others, we are chastised. The consequences we reap are important teachers.

We can censure those who cross boundaries while understanding why and how they transgressed. Understanding is not the same as excusing.

I was challenged to make this distinction with Casilda, a lovely client I knew from my psychology practice. She was the first of my clients who relived a past life as a cruel perpetrator. You might remember Casilda, whose case I mentioned in the introduction. In this chapter we follow her story, exploring the preamble to the slave trader’s life, how the slave trader turned around, and the struggle back to reconnecting to Source.

The Slave Trader

Casilda found she was repeatedly attracted to narcissists. She wanted to know why she had this unwitting attraction and how she could avoid this trap.

What is a narcissist? The mythological Narcissus could not love others. He spurned them. Instead, he fell in love with the superficial vision of himself. People with narcissistic personality disorder are characterized as being arrogant, lacking in empathy, needing excessive admiration, oppressing others, and carrying a sense of entitlement.

In Casilda’s regression, we discovered she had been a narcissistic slave trader in a past life. Now we return to Casilda’s regression to understand how she came to be a cold-hearted slave trader—and how this past life had been influencing her choices in her current life.

The slave trader lived a long time ago in a town on the Arabian Peninsula. He sold a young slave girl to a lascivious old man. At first, the slave trader enjoyed the thought of her suffering at the hands of this man, but his enjoyment didn’t last. The girl stared at him, not with despair but with disgust. Casilda, as the slave trader, describes what happens next.

I start having nightmares about the slave girl, and this is the beginning of me going mad.

I have a wife and children, including a little girl of three. My daughter loves me so much. She adores me and looks up to me. I wonder what she would think about the work I do.

I cannot stop selling people because of the money. Life is hard without money. You are in the good class or the bad class and I want to stay in the good class. So I keep doing it and suffering the nightmares. I continually see the eyes of the young slave girl burning into me. Even though she was frightened, she looked at me with pity as if she was saying, “How can you do this?” In my dreams, her eyes go right through me and her face transforms horribly, haunting me.

I am not coping well in the market. I argue about the price of a slave with a man who loses his temper. He stabs me with a knife. His eyes are the same as the girl’s, looking at me with pity.

I am dying. I feel sad to leave my family but also relieved it is over. I was in turmoil.

Freeing the Slave Trader

As the slave trader passes over, I notice Casilda is quiet. I assume she is processing the information that is coming through. Eventually, she breaks the silence.

I feel warmth and love. Someone is coming to greet me, saying, “We have been waiting for you.” Oh! I see the same eyes of the young slave girl I sold on earth. She is one of my soulmates. She is looking at me with such love.

How crazy! Does this normally happen? I cannot believe that these words are coming out of my mouth. I just know she was that girl and I was that man who sold people.

Casilda is embraced by the former slave. I pause to allow her to absorb the love, but she is struggling. The heart of the slave trader had been closed for a long time. Casilda feels a lot of pain in her heart, and I encourage her to embrace and breathe through the pain to soften the hardness.

Fifteen minutes later, the pain subsides. We discover that slave trading was an occupation passed down from previous generations. The slave trader’s father taught him to be ruthless by beating him brutally, just as he had been beaten by his own father. Slave traders have to be cold and hard. The young boy learns his lessons well, passing on his pain to others, including animals and his little brother.

I become hard. Why would I care about the slaves? I have never been happy. When I see them suffer, I feel something inside, a sort of pleasure that fills a void. The only thing I treasure is my daughter. She is my only joy, the only real feeling I have.

The slave trader disconnects from his true self, from others, and from Source. Feeling isolated, he is numb and empty inside, focusing on survival and material wealth. His daughter and the slave girl are the only ones who can crack his shell of isolation.

The slave trader’s life began the process of breaking the pattern of disconnection, which his soul had been playing out. Two soulmates volunteered to help: his daughter and the slave girl. Although this life was a turning point, this soul was not clear after the slave trader’s death. There was a long way back to reconnect to the greater self.

Sympathy for Narcissists

The conflict and confusion of the slave trader experienced at his death was triggered in Casilda’s current life. It may have been present in other lives too. She felt sympathy for narcissists, especially those who felt alone and lost. This accounted for her attraction to these unsuitable men whom she tried to help. She was too clouded to assess them accurately. As we will see, she only obtained full clarity when she accessed her life between lives during the regression, when the full story of her dark night of the soul was revealed.

The Pact: Never Again

After Casilda recounts the slave trader’s death, I wonder why she experienced this life as a perpetrator. Was the slave trader’s contempt just the result of his childhood? Or was there more to the story? I ask for more information.

Casilda is taken to a past life that occurred two thousand years before the slave trader was born.

I am in South America, living as part of a native group in the Amazonian forest. I am a young girl playing with other children. We feel free and wear very little. We are all having fun, dancing around the fire. We live in harmony and are happy.

Another group, with people who look like us, is coming. They have more clothes and more weapons than we do. They are using wooden spears and axes to kill all the old people. They take us away. We walk and walk and walk. They are ritually sacrificing the men, and I am being sold because I am a girl.

I am sold to a wealthy family. I am a servant and sexual object for the father and his son. Every time they sexually assault me, I kill a part of my soul. I don’t want to feel the pain anymore, so I surrender to the darkness. I am empty. I make a survival pact. I will never let anyone hurt me again. I die from sickness, aged fifteen.

The pact means I will hurt others rather than be hurt. When I go up, I am lost. I can see someone waiting for me, but I am so angry I push them away, saying, “How can you let this happen to me?”

As we have seen in the previous chapter, making a pact to never allow herself to be hurt will take Casilda down a perilous path.

Lost In Between Heaven and Earth

After this life of forced servitude, the young girl’s soul refuses to go home with her guide because of her anger and bitterness. She describes where she is.

I am in between—in between earth and heaven. I feel alone, but there are other people around who are like me. It is such a weird place. All this lost energy. Everybody seems lost. Some know they need to go up, but they don’t understand why they cannot. Others don’t even realize that they are supposed to go up. For me, I just don’t care. Because they [the higher beings] let me suffer so terribly, why would they help anybody? If we are love, why would they let some of us suffer so much? Why do we have to come back to earth and have this physical experience that is so painful? It is safer in the darkness because you already know what to expect. It is less painful because it is empty.

As we have seen in the previous chapter, Casilda’s explanation of preferring emptiness to being on earth is not new. We encountered spirits who found themselves in a cold place of emptiness and darkness.

Perpetrator and Victim Lives

I ask Casilda how she got out of this dark, empty state.

Someone comes to me in that place, saying, “You start to see, Little One. Remember the Source when you were first born as a soul?”

I remembered, and it felt beautiful, better than being lost. I just get a taste of it. I have to go back to have earthly lives and work on opening up. I am not ready to get it yet. I have to keep working on it. I agree to play the perpetrator. The guides say to me, “If that is what you want, Little One, you can go back to earth and do that. Be a perpetrator.”

I had three or four lifetimes as a perpetrator. The first one was the worst, the most violent. I can see I am torturing people.

After those perpetrator lives, which included the slave trader life, Casilda had many other lives, some as a victim. She describes one of these lives, which she experienced during the regression.

I am walking along the corridor of a castle with portraits on the walls in medieval times. I am fifteen, wearing a blue dress, beautiful but simple, made of natural fabric. My blonde hair is braided and wrapped around my head. Looking at the portraits, I feel a lot of anger, frustration, and jealousy. I want to belong, but the people here are mean to me. In my heart I am supposed to belong, but I don’t.

It hurts. I am confused because I don’t understand why people are so cruel and mean to me.

I am in an old kitchen with a big oven cut in the stone walls. People are working there, and one of the cooks is telling me the nobleman and his family will never love me. I am not accepted as one of his family because even though I am his daughter, the cook is my mother. I have his eyes. The others are mean and jealous because the nobleman is kind to me. I think he really loves my mother, but they are not from the same world.

The young girl is distraught. She feels the rejection of her father and the family deeply. She suddenly jumps out of a high castle opening, dying.

I can see my father is very sad, crying over my body. Soon after I died, my mother sickened and died too.

My heart hurts. I couldn’t help this girl. I recognize the pain of this life, the feeling of not belonging and the self-loathing. She was fifteen.

In my current life, I tried to kill myself at fifteen. It was when my mother cut me off, punishing me because I wanted to live with my father.

A familiar pattern has played out in many of Casilda’s feminine lives—trauma, followed by death at the age of fifteen. As a young girl forced into domestic and sexual slavery, she became ill and died at fifteen. After that experience, she chose to incarnate as a perpetrator. In this medieval life, she commits suicide at fifteen. In her current life, she tried to kill herself at fifteen but failed. This failure began to break the pattern.

I have had other clients who have similar patterns run through their past lives. One client relived two lives where she died at sixteen and nearly did the same again in her current life. According to her guide, she was naïve and reckless, and he successfully helped her avoid the same fate.

Reaching Home

Casilda’s medieval past life is one of the many lives she undertakes on her way back to love. After throwing herself from the window, she arrives at her life between lives. She is surrounded by her soul group.

They are saying, “You are now ready to start the next chapter.” Wow!

There are other souls here who I know. We are together, and there is no judgment. We don’t even need to speak. We communicate so easily and understand each other so well. I have a strong sense of belonging and connection.

I am part of a soul group, and we are only as strong as all of us. Soulmates cannot turn their back on the lost one. Love conquers all. Light conquers all. They love me unconditionally.

Part of my soul journey is the betterment of the whole soul group. They tell me that one day I will be ready to come back as love. I am not to be afraid anymore. Now they are asking me what I am going to do now that I know all of this.

I am a leader, and I am not to doubt what I feel. I can see the impact of my current life’s childhood. I was lost. I had a pull to do something about it. Because I had not dealt with it, I wasn’t grounded in my body. Because of all the therapy I have undertaken during my life, I am better grounded now and done with the past.

Casilda has been carrying the guilt of the slave trader over many incarnations. This helped her stay on the path of reaching for the light. Now, that guilt has been released. She has developed a deep, firsthand understanding of perpetrators and victims, how they fall down, and how they ascend. This gives her a depth of compassion that can be used to help others.

What I have been feeling is the right path for me. My mission is to help traumatized children become grounded, especially those in their teenage years who have struggled like I did. Even though each one has a different, specific struggle, all follow a similar pattern and direction. I am to help these teens connect with their real self.

If you can do all these awful things and recover, you can help others. Love is always within you, not outside of you. It never left you. I am to help these teens understand that love is always within.

Casilda shared earlier in her session with me that she senses spirits visiting her at night, alarming her. Now she is beginning to understand what has been going on.

My soulmates are telling me not to be afraid of the lost ones who come to see me at night. I am to help them too. These are people who have died and are stuck. They don’t remember who they are. But I know who they are. I was like them. I know what it is like to be lost. The guides are saying, “Thank you for helping out, Little One.”

Casilda returns from her life between lives feeling light and energized. She is amazed to learn how lost she was, but now all her guilt and pity has dissipated.

Eighteen months later, she writes to tell me how her life has changed. After the regression, she was never attracted to a narcissist again.

Everything has been going very fast, actually. I guess this is what happens when you remember who you are. I have embraced myself fully and discovered a self-love that I never knew could exist. I feel so grateful for it and have been on this amazing life journey full of love and experience. My third eye and connection to spirits has been stronger than ever. I have met and connected with wonderful people along the way, and it is not over. This fills me with so much joy. The challenges of life don’t feel so hard anymore, just a question of perspective.

Casilda’s soul chose to take the perpetrator path long ago after a brief life filled with extreme suffering. By default, her iron-clad decision to never suffer again sent her into a state of suspended darkness for hundreds of years. After she emerged from her protective cocoon, she decided to undertake lives as perpetrators. She wasn’t ready to trust again. She still felt bruised and unwilling to open up her heart, which would involve being vulnerable and hurt. By default, a soul’s decision to never be hurt is a choice of separation. Playing perpetrator roles kept her heart closed. That felt safer.

After four lives as a perpetrator, her soul was ready for the change. The slave trader life was a turning point. It began the reversal of her earlier decision to never suffer again. The guilt from the slave trader’s life carried over into her subsequent lives. Carried-over guilt is useful, reminding her to avoid perpetrating against others. At this stage, she had not fully opened up her heart, being still afraid and self-protective. But her fear of being hurt creates what she dreads most: terrible emotional pain, like the rejection she experienced as the illegitimate daughter of a nobleman. But her lives of suffering are useful. She learns what it is like to be victimized, the flip side of perpetration. This crystalizes her desire to never willingly make anyone suffer in the future.

Remnants of guilt were left over from the slave trader life and the medieval life, but they had a purpose. These energies bled into her current life, causing her problems and giving her an opportunity to awaken. She set out on the path of discovering who she really was. She succeeded, healing the past life remnants while gaining a deeper understanding of her true self.

Casilda’s soul has experienced many heavy lives as a perpetrator and a victim, but these no longer define her. She is connected to her true self and sees ahead a path of service, utilizing the knowledge and wisdom she has developed. She is proceeding down this path with much joy and a new partner who is kind, loving, and committed to spending his life with her.

Conclusion

We might wonder why we are attracted to someone, especially when the person turns out to be unsuitable. When the same unwanted pattern of attraction keeps happening, we may be compelled to go searching for the reasons, as Casilda did. This is wise. 

We can be confused when our choice of partner or friends do not work out as we expected. Our choices are not random or accidental. There are reasons for our emotional responses and actions, but our deeper motivations are not always apparent.

We need to dig deep to discover why we are falling into the same patterns. Probably, it involves some unique past experience that remains unresolved. Humans are complex, and our experiences are unique and many. What we find is not likely to be as disturbing or unexpected as what Casilda discovered. But whatever lies beneath, spending our time and energy in the quest to bring it to the light is worthwhile. Once we gain a full understanding of what has happened, we are liberated from our unhealthy attractions and compulsions.